Tuesday, May 1, 2012

All through out my life I've had moments where I've felt left out. I'm pretty sure we all have. Some of those times were when I couldn't play with my brother and older kids outside because I had to come in and take a nap. Or when I was the only with a ZERO interest in pokemon cards. I know, I could have pretended to like them and traded cards and what not but seriously, I had no desire to and I just didn't see what the fuss was all about. I was literally the only kid in both 4th grade classes that wasn't trading cards during recess time. I went and swung by myself. Some other times I felt left out where when I was the only one who didn't go to a birthday party because it was on Sunday or I was the only one wearing a shrug over my homecoming dress. Looking back at these moments I realize they were pretty insignificant.

I've reached a point in my life where I'm feeling like that again. Why? Because I'm not pregnant right now and it seems like EVERYONE is. Okay, okay, I know that not everyone is but so many people I know are and 2 of my closest friends are. I feel like now that Carson is 18 months it's time to start  making another one. I wish I didn't feel this pressure but it comes from people around me being pregnant who have kids younger than Carson and it also comes from church. I feel like were the only family with 1 kid. I KNOW a lot of other couples have felt this way too.

Want to know something? Something that makes me feel selfish? The reason I'm not pregnant right now? Because I'm scared. I was so sick last time. Like, really really sick. Loosing 20 pounds in 6 weeks sick. I'm afraid of being that sick and having to take care of Carson. He's not one to sit and watch tv so I have to ALWAYS be watching him. Want to know why else? We're going to Disney World this month and I want to enjoy it. I want to be able to go on the rides and not spend the whole time in the bathroom. That one makes me feel so guilty. Another reason? Carson is so amazing. Seriously, he is so good and easy and we haven't wanted to change that. Our little life is stressful at times but for the most part, pretty simple and peaceful. What if our next baby has colic or is a lot more difficult then Car was? Could I handle that? Oh and remember my PPD? Ya, worried about that too.


All those things make me feel so guilty. But this is where we are right now. Just the 3 of us.
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3 comments:

  1. sariqdMay 1, 2012 at 3:04 PM

    You know, I get the "church pressure" bit but think about this... they also counsel us to keep in tune with the Lord in regards to the size of our families. Heavenly Father does NOT want us to stretch outselves so thin that we break. Or snap. You & Rob, if not already, should take the matter to the temple, fast & pray about it. Then when you receive your answer, make peace with it. If people ask - you can tell them it's between you, your husband and the Lord. With a smile. And follow up with our special word. lol!

    Every pregnancy is different... who knows how you'd do the next time (if you decide to go that route). However, having gone through it, you now know to recognize the signs of getting that extra help WHEN you need it and not when you're in full crisis mode. During and after pregnancy. Your husband and family also know too so they will be better equipped to help you through. Love you Mandy! (Btw - I lost 26 lbs. the first & second trimester. Bleh.)

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  2. Andrew and NoelleMay 1, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    We're NOT pregnant :) I know what you mean though.. seeing everyone else (which it REALLY does seem like EVERYONE is prego right now) but don't worry about what others are going through we all have to do things in our own time.. it is all so individual!! You will get pregnant when you & Rob are ready... whether Carson is 2... 3... or heck maybe even 5 :) Cannot wait to see you guys in a few weeks!!

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  3. JennyMay 2, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    Oh sweetie, keep your chin up. You were given this life for YOU to live it, not anyone else. Heavenly Father has a unique plan for you and your beautiful family. Don't compromise that by worrying about what others are doing or thinking (I know, I know, easier said than done). I've been in your shoes and it is TOUGH feeling the guilt and pressure. Stay strong and keep it between you, Rob, and the Lord. Trust me, deciding to have another baby because of those feelings is NOT the path Heavenly Father wants you to take. I can tell you that with exact certainty. Ultimately, the decisions that lead to happiness are the ones with the Lord's approval--not the approval of others. Remember, Heavenly Father knows you better than anyone else and loves you better than anyone else too. He will sustain you in times of great trial and will bless you for following His plan for you. From what I can tell, you are an absolutely amazing momma. Don't fret. Pray for peace. It will come.

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